Lately I've been learning to forgive. Whether someone else thinks my choices are right or wrong doesn't matter. I am the only one that can change my life. I used to hold grudges but anymore it just seems like a waste of time. Although it's hard for everyone else to understand, it's becoming simple for me. Before you know it, we'll all be moving on. I'll grow old and face death around me more frequently. Time is running short, so why waste it arguing? It's important, now more than ever, to just let things go before it's too late. One day my family will be gone. If nothing changes now, I'll be stuck hating myself in the future for the decisions I'm making today. People will have passed and I'll still be here wishing I would have made more memories. That being said, I need to just let bygones be bygones.
When I was seventeen, my grandfather told me he wished that everyone would just get along. Hell, they could even just suck it up and act like they don't hate each other for all he cared. He told me about the importance of love and family. He taught me that no matter what, time is such a precious thing. My grandfather is one of my biggest role models and I will always value his opinion whether I agree with it or not. He's given me the strength to let go, forgive, and have hope. He's the reason I can move on and be strong.
While my grandfather has always been pretty supportive of me and my decisions, my father has not always been there for me. After my parents divorced when I was three, it seemed like my entire world was crashing down. I had a new home and what seemed to be a new family. The only problem was that my dad was not there. While I always made excuses for him to not show up on his weekends, my mom stayed quiet. She wanted me to learn about my father on my own. Although she already had a terrible opinion of him, she allowed ne to form my own thoughts about what type of man he was. When I was eleven I had finally faced the truth. The answer was simple. He was a man that cared for himself first. He was a man that didn't seem to accept his past so tried to keep it as far away from his future. I was his past. He didn't come because he didn't care--at least that's what I thought.
He never came and he didn't care, yet I still did. I spent every night crying myself to sleep for years. I wanted the bond that a father and daughter are supposed to have. I had no idea how to make him understand me or my feelings, but it was worth a shot. I texted him last year and laid all of my feelings out. He blamed me for everything. He had said I hurt him by calling another man my father and by crying every time he took me for the weekend. What was I supposed to do, dad? You barely ever showed up and you were practically becoming a stranger. Of course I would cry if I had to spend a weekend with a man I barely know. I couldn't count on you to be there so I felt like I had no other choice but to start depending on someone else. How could I possibly be blamed for needing a father figure and turning to the one that was actually there all the time?
He said he wanted us to have more of a bond so I told my dad that it would help our relationship if he would text me more often. Now, I know I am an adult and I can reach out as well, but I had always been the one making the contact. If he would have texted me first it would have seemed like he cared more. It's been four months since our discussion. I have not received any first texts from him--only replies. I've texted him three times. First, to tell him I love him--because I was feeling vulnerable and all I needed was his love. Second, to say Merry Christmas. Third, to tell him about my college graduation.
I sent him the date and time. Mind you, my graduation is a little over a month away. Two days later he responded and told me that he would not be able to make it to my graduation because he would be on his honeymoon. The text broke my heart for three reasons. One, because I was only invited to his wedding because I texted him first. I could be wrong, but I believe that if I would not have texted him about my graduation and the event just happened to be during his honeymoon, I would not have been invited. Two, in his response he had also mentioned our disagreement from last year. He thought I hated him. I had sent him messages, although not as much as I would have liked to, just to tell him I love him. I made the contact when he wouldn't. I think that shows the complete opposite of hate. I put in effort and received barely any back. Three, he wasn't coming to my graduation.
Although we fight more than we should, he is still so unbelievably important to me. Just the thought of walking across the stage to receive my degree without him being there hurts me--probably more than it should. I'm not mad, though. Part of me is happy for him. Even if he won't be at my graduation, he will be getting married to a woman that I'm assuming he loves. I just want him to be happy. No matter how much it hurts me, I can't help but be happy for him that he is finally enjoying his life.
Like I said, I have to forgive him for not being there. He had his reasons and I had mine. I don't feel angry anymore because it's the past. I'm tired of crying over the exact same thing and having to explain it over and over to people that don't understand. I know it's probably stupid to forgive him and to want him, but I can't help it. There or not, he's still my father. I'm thankful that I've been able to have this experience because, although it was, and still is, completely life changing in a mostly negative (and sometimes positive) way, it has made me so much stronger.
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